nobody does it better..

no, it's not a radiohead song.. but they did cover it so it's fair game, I think.



I'm realizing though myself and those I come into contact with in my life that it is truly all about self worth. Not confidence, because that can be a front.. a false face, but true self worth. How do I feel about myself? Where are those places that I've convinced myself I'm worthless, because I'm wrong.

Oh sure, talents vary by individual, but we are good, we are worthy, and we deserve the best of everything. Why do we give those who want us to feel shame the power to do so? Truly, that which is keeping us from what we want is veiled in the guilt and shame that others have convinced us we must feel.

One of my favorite, oldest-remembered quotes:... "break the chains of thought, and you break the chains of your body too" (Richard Bach - Jonathan Livingston Seagull) When it resonated with me as a tween when I first read the book, it meant something literal to me. Literally being able to fly and move mountains in the purest state of the human mind.

And though it still does, as I've grown older, I see the chains of thought as many different things. Old ideas and impressions learned as a child that are connected to self-worth are more binding than prison bars, if we let them be.

Fortunate for us humans, self-imposed chains are the easiest to release. Examining what I think about myself has has been the most productive self-help method I've found.

So.. I'm thinking of evolving this blog a little bit. Writing is something that I've always wanted to do, and the digital age has made it possible for everyone (even me yikes!) to be an author.

If I'm only here every few months.. it's because I'm writing elsewhere. Once I develop the site I'll post it here.

Wish me luck!

I lost myself.

January 2nd is here already.

Open up, begin again.
In looking back over the past year, there's been a lot of ground covered. So many things that were on my wish list last year were at least partially accomplished. That's something that has happened very seldom in my lifetime.

For me, the coming year is full of promise. I am taking this opportunity to see if I am the person I've always wished I was. If I am not, well, then I have more work to do. I'm certain that in some ways I am, and others, not so much.

I've had so much fun this past year. I've met new people, developed relationships with people I thought I knew but really had no idea. I've severed relationships and also had some melt away for no apparent reason.

Mostly, I've changed the way I look at things and amazingly, everything now looks better.

I approach 2009 with excitement and wonder.
So many adventures.
Race ya!

Let down and hanging around

It's been a little while since I took time to post here. The let down of our seasons' end usually has me curling up on the couch with a book. This year I'm learning how to play the guitar and I think I've crossed some threshold because it doesn't hurt to play anymore! YAY!

I did just get done reading, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. A very nice read indeed. (Thank you Debbie!) And I'll be passing it along. I like the idea of this book! It was given to me by a friend. The bookmark is a bandaid, representing how your life can be healed right along with the author. Then you send it along to someone else you feel would enjoy the book. Right up my alley, as my mom used to say.

Speaking of mom, this month's emotional challenge came up on me unexpectedly. I received an e-mail from my mother's best friend, Bonnie, saying she and her husband would be in the area, could we visit for a while? Wow.. I didn't realize how much spending three hours chatting with them (not even about mom) would stir up an emotional whirlwind I'm still not completely over. It just reminded me how much I miss my mom, and what a great person she was... how funny, how smart.. hell.. she was my mom. Enough said.

So I sit here plotting my winter and filling my days with things I want to do. It's a nice change from the hustle and bustle of our spring/summer season with all of our customers milling about. I miss most of them already, lol, but I'm also basking in my oneness. Recharging. Pressing the reset button.

I've managed to maintain my weightloss -- which, by the way, is no easy task when you're occupational hazard is the most delicious ice cream in the world. Starbucks Ice Coffees ended up being my summer indulgence. Mmmm.. if it were not so cold, I'd like one now!

I will be embarking on a great challenge this winter as well. I'm starting another blog/website: fixtheinside.com It will be dedicated to helping people stop the yo-yo dieting cycle by finding out why they eat in the first place. Which is what I've done in my life.

Now, I know I'm not all the way there yet.. but dammit, I've lost 50 pounds and kept it off. But better than that.. I can see keeping it off (and losing more) just because I continue to work on the inside.

That doesn't mean that I don't slip up.. a life forever skipping yummy treats like ice coffees and pizza does not seem very fun to me. But, I've made my peace with food, and this will be how I share it with the world.. in the hopes others may do the same.

I'll keep posting here, occasionally. It's an online diary of sorts.
Happy Winter! (we're supposed to get a foot of snow today -- woot!)

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eyes..

So don't you ever wish you were special?

but you feel like a creep.
People are always reminding you that you're a creep.

That you don't belong.

What if you don't care if it hurts?
That you want to have control,
a perfect body, a perfect soul?

That someone just notices when you're not around..
do you really have to be that special?

no.. you just have to allow it..

thank goodness!

I can feel their blue hands touching me..

I haven't been able to post.. because I can't say out loud what's been going on.

Someday, perhaps.

Suffice to say the following:

Creation > Absorption

Things have to come out.. not just go in..

ps... Immerse your soul in LOVE!

be a world child, form a circle, before we all...

go under..


Fade Out.. again..........

Gosh it's been a while. We've had 2 radiohead concerts thrown in the mix and gosh.. life is in turmoil!

My daughter is headed off to college in less than a week. My only child. Needless to say it's just now hitting me, we haven't even packed, and people are jostling for position with regard to her time.

BUT! I walked today and my weight is hovering over 190 which is good.. I'm about to break that plateau that's been pestering me all summer. I figure I can start working out more in the next couple weeks and we won't be so busy.. but that worries me too.
Idle hands, you know!

So I'm planning and plotting.. what I love to do best.. lol.
As they say.. people plan.. god laughs..
not that I believe in "god" per se
It still applies, I think..

Anyway.. lots of family this weekend, glad to see them, glad to see them go, as it were.

So.. on the quiet front.. I've been thinking a lot about what's presented itself in my life and why it's there. I mean.. if it's there, we've created it... right? I feel really strongly that I need to be creating more than I am.. thus the writing in the blog again. I've also seriously considered taking different art classes to discover what it is that I should actually be expressing.

I'm looking forward to having more time to pursue things like guitar and piano.. but I'm loathing the idea of no money coming in. We shall see. GO TEAM!

;-)